I am again in the 'wilderness' but Torah is my Manna, and my love for G*d will not let my heart be empty.
When I wake I struggle, when I go to bed I toss and tear at my hair but the psalms are there for me,
I am continually with Thee; Thou holdest my right hand. (T73:23)
Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And beside Thee I desire none upon earth. (T73:25)
If I make my bed in the Sheol, behold, Thou art there.(T139:8)
I want there to be some meaning some purpose for what I gave, for what I lost
I know there is only one reason for everything and it is greater than my own life.
I praise G*d's name for all the strength I have
I praise G*d's name for Hur and Aaron holding up Moshe's arms at Rephidim
Create me a clean heart, O God; and renew a stedfast spirit within me. (T51:12)
His mercy will endure forever.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Suffering
I lost the attribution for this quote but it is on my mind as I am now single again. I pray G*d will help me to cope.
""Yesurim (suffering) is such a part of life; no one is free from it. It doesn't affect everyone equally or at the same time, except during major crises such as wars, G-d forbid. But, everyone pays their dues at some time in their life, and if not in this incarnation, then in another.
There are different purposes for yesurim. The main purpose, according to Kabbalah, is called tziruf v'libun (refinement and whitening). Everyone knows that yesurim has the capacity to make people stronger and refine them, and it tends to act as a vehicle for purification (whitening) of their soul. True, yesurim can, G-d forbid, break a person, but that is only in extreme situations, when that itself is the necessary tikun for the person.
Thus, the Talmud, when addressing the issue of yesurim writes:
Rava, and some say, Rav Chisda says, "If a person sees that sufferings have come to him, let him examine his conduct, for it says, 'Let us search and try our ways, and return unto the L-rd' (Eichah 3:40). If he examines and finds nothing [objectionable], let him attribute it to the neglect of the study of the Torah, as it says, 'Happy is the man whom G-d disciplines, and whom You teach from Your Torah' (Tehillim 94:12). (Brochos 5a)
Hence, yesurim is a mode of communication between Heaven and man. It is first and foremost an excuse to do a Cheshbon HaNefesh (Soul Accounting). It is difficult for us to know if our present state of Torah observance is the most that is expected from us, from our Creator's point of view. We can be underachieving and losing valuable opportunities to maximize our portion in the World-to-Come, so the yesurim become a Divine wake-up call to re-examine our level of mitzvah performance. ""
""Yesurim (suffering) is such a part of life; no one is free from it. It doesn't affect everyone equally or at the same time, except during major crises such as wars, G-d forbid. But, everyone pays their dues at some time in their life, and if not in this incarnation, then in another.
There are different purposes for yesurim. The main purpose, according to Kabbalah, is called tziruf v'libun (refinement and whitening). Everyone knows that yesurim has the capacity to make people stronger and refine them, and it tends to act as a vehicle for purification (whitening) of their soul. True, yesurim can, G-d forbid, break a person, but that is only in extreme situations, when that itself is the necessary tikun for the person.
Thus, the Talmud, when addressing the issue of yesurim writes:
Rava, and some say, Rav Chisda says, "If a person sees that sufferings have come to him, let him examine his conduct, for it says, 'Let us search and try our ways, and return unto the L-rd' (Eichah 3:40). If he examines and finds nothing [objectionable], let him attribute it to the neglect of the study of the Torah, as it says, 'Happy is the man whom G-d disciplines, and whom You teach from Your Torah' (Tehillim 94:12). (Brochos 5a)
Hence, yesurim is a mode of communication between Heaven and man. It is first and foremost an excuse to do a Cheshbon HaNefesh (Soul Accounting). It is difficult for us to know if our present state of Torah observance is the most that is expected from us, from our Creator's point of view. We can be underachieving and losing valuable opportunities to maximize our portion in the World-to-Come, so the yesurim become a Divine wake-up call to re-examine our level of mitzvah performance. ""
Full Parking Lots
(I pulled this journal out of a email discussion with a friend. I saw it in the individual first and then thought it applied to all on the journey.)
Someone asked why the parking lot at schul was always full the night weight watchers uses our facilities.
I answered that it was because weight is about appearences that minyan and Torah were about substance.
I went home and thought more about it. I think that we can obsess on our own creations, we can focus on our pride instead of G*d's glory and Torah.
We feel pleasure in our own presence and success. Seeing the self as god. (And) Doing so immediately cuts you off in increasing degrees from holiness.
Our pride is a reversed macrocosm into which holiness doesn't flow. It is the opposite of sanctifying G*d to want ourselves to be praised. (I think this is the root of most evil. I think this is inherent in people wanting to lose weight, they want praise and others not to look at them without admiration.)
Piety, sanctity, the soul of hebrew langauge, lovingkindness, Justice how can they not want that?
We must limit concern for our own power and gratification to be open to G*d's purpose for Israel and living up to our side of the covenant.
G*d gave us the Torah. From the law I live by, I have turned my life into one in which success is more freedom to daven, study, and do good.
I believe in a constant hashgacha (like the law presents.) Some have described as interaction but it is practical as well as mystical.
The greatest among us give their lives to Truth. They work with every single person helping them to free their souls and apprehend the limitless light.
Therefore, like one would with Chazal we must weigh thier words and actions with special care.
So to must we develop the same focus and be careful of our actions.
The sages say every little candle, every goodness is a world, every word in his praise is an act of great importance 'above.'
Piety should lead all our hearts so we can be part of the work of Israel.
I want to learn. I want to sing. I want to create new Torah concepts. I want to talk to everyone about their ideas and experience of G*d.
Someone asked why the parking lot at schul was always full the night weight watchers uses our facilities.
I answered that it was because weight is about appearences that minyan and Torah were about substance.
I went home and thought more about it. I think that we can obsess on our own creations, we can focus on our pride instead of G*d's glory and Torah.
We feel pleasure in our own presence and success. Seeing the self as god. (And) Doing so immediately cuts you off in increasing degrees from holiness.
Our pride is a reversed macrocosm into which holiness doesn't flow. It is the opposite of sanctifying G*d to want ourselves to be praised. (I think this is the root of most evil. I think this is inherent in people wanting to lose weight, they want praise and others not to look at them without admiration.)
Piety, sanctity, the soul of hebrew langauge, lovingkindness, Justice how can they not want that?
We must limit concern for our own power and gratification to be open to G*d's purpose for Israel and living up to our side of the covenant.
G*d gave us the Torah. From the law I live by, I have turned my life into one in which success is more freedom to daven, study, and do good.
I believe in a constant hashgacha (like the law presents.) Some have described as interaction but it is practical as well as mystical.
The greatest among us give their lives to Truth. They work with every single person helping them to free their souls and apprehend the limitless light.
Therefore, like one would with Chazal we must weigh thier words and actions with special care.
So to must we develop the same focus and be careful of our actions.
The sages say every little candle, every goodness is a world, every word in his praise is an act of great importance 'above.'
Piety should lead all our hearts so we can be part of the work of Israel.
I want to learn. I want to sing. I want to create new Torah concepts. I want to talk to everyone about their ideas and experience of G*d.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Why Did I wait So Long?
I have always loved this song. When I first heard this album it changed my life. It made me want to know more about my father's family. It stirred my blood.
Ricky Skaggs, Why did I Wait So Long
A song like this shows us that our L*rd is the L*rd G*d of all creation. His praise enobles the soul. Answer his awesome presense with Joy, Let Holiness flood into your being, feel it flooding into all being from him!!
Ricky Skaggs, Why did I Wait So Long
A song like this shows us that our L*rd is the L*rd G*d of all creation. His praise enobles the soul. Answer his awesome presense with Joy, Let Holiness flood into your being, feel it flooding into all being from him!!
Yosef is to be Admired.
We are just about to finish Bereshit this year at Schul. For the last few weeks, I have been unable to marshal my ideas though they have been very emotional.
First I saw a possible relationship/comparison between the stories of Tamar and Judah (B38) and that of Yosef and Potiphar's wife. Both Tamar and Yosef deal with adversity and injustices against them. Tamar uses her whiles and other people’s faults to change her situation. Yosef depends on G*d. G*d gives him dreams which save him. However, I dismissed this contrast as my tendency to moralize. Judah and Yosef are brothers however and the sudden shift to the story about Judah has to have a great reason for being there.
I let that go. Yet for some reason, when I was thinking about the episode concerning pharaoh’s butler and baker I felt stirred. Having rejected Potiphar's wife, she sees that Yosef ends up in the dungeon. While there he interprets the dream of the butler and baker.
The baker later tells pharaoh "there was with us there a young man, a Hebrew, servant to the captain of the guard; and we told him, and he interpreted to us our dreams; to each man according to his dream he did interpret. And it came to pass, as he interpreted to us, so it was: I was restored unto mine office, and he was hanged.": (41:12)
There seems to be no real difference between the 'crimes' of the baker and the butler. We assume that like Yosef they are probably there through no fault of their own but only because of whims of power.
Why then free only the butler? My mind suggested the idea of bread representing the corporal world and the butler (who tastes the cup) of representing the spirit. Perhaps poetically it is the change in the spirit that can free the body. Or maybe even more grandly the idea of the spirit freeing us ultimately from death as Yosef is reborn out of the dungeon. (David talks of being raised from the pit in psalms several times)
I must admit that when I came to this I thought of the story of Christ on the Cross with the two thieves. I don't believe in Jesus but in the story one thief is saved because he accepts Jesus but the other refuses. The one who refuses does so because he wants to be saved in the flesh. This confusing association arouse out of my literary minded brain. At any rate, I again dismissed the idea of writing about it.
It continued to bug me.
I decided to tie it all back to the idea of dreams. Dreams are said to be a "little death." and we rise from them like Yosef rises out to the pit. It is also dreams that lead to his brothers selling him. The butler, the baker, and pharaoh also have dreams.
I wondered what the Torah teaches about dreams. I found that there are said to be only ten dreams in the Torah and all in Bereshit.
Torah Subject
Bereshit 20:3 Avimelech and Sarah.
Bereshit 28:12 Jacob’s ladder.
Bereshit 31:10 Jacob’s speckled sheep.
Bereshit 31:2 Lavan told to leave Jacob alone.
Bereshit 37:5 Yosef and the sheaves.
Bereshit 37:9 Yosef and the sun, moon, and stars.
Bereshit 40:9 Yosef and the cupbearer.
Bereshit 40:16 Yosef and the baker.
Bereshit 41:1 Paro and the cows.
Bereshit 41:5 Paro and the sheaves.
Hum? Then I found a teaching that speculated that Israel's going down into Egypt parallels the decent of the spirit into matter. This of course would mean that G*d's redemption of the people from Egypt parallels the accent of the spirit. As Israel had the dream of the ladder. (And the ladder is gematria to Sinai) Well that about covers it.
So why was it so overwhelming to me? Why did these little ideas refuse to be drowned out?
I realized that since college, since Leibniz, I had rejected a duality of spirit and matter. I was certain that everything is energy, spiritual, and that the entire world was like the Eastern Sages declare and "illusion." Of course at the time, for me that cleared up neatly a lot of problems I had with the cosmos as I had learned it from Church. There is no problem of evil. It is all an illusion.
Yet it was so painful to live in this world considering it but an illusion. For if it is an illusion then we have explain everything in reference only to a greater reality beyond it. How could we ever understand or comprehend that greater reality?
I concluded as a young man that there was a G*d but that 'he' was unreachable.
Then he reached to me through the Torah. His holiness and the wisdom of the Torah is the light. Life can be as hard to interpret as a dream. It can seem to have no meaning. When this is the case we must seek more light. Somethings maybe hidden from our sight as individuals, and as mankind but G*d is always present and therefore nothing is without meaning.
"And Yosef answered Pharaoh, saying: 'It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh an answer of peace." B41:16
First I saw a possible relationship/comparison between the stories of Tamar and Judah (B38) and that of Yosef and Potiphar's wife. Both Tamar and Yosef deal with adversity and injustices against them. Tamar uses her whiles and other people’s faults to change her situation. Yosef depends on G*d. G*d gives him dreams which save him. However, I dismissed this contrast as my tendency to moralize. Judah and Yosef are brothers however and the sudden shift to the story about Judah has to have a great reason for being there.
I let that go. Yet for some reason, when I was thinking about the episode concerning pharaoh’s butler and baker I felt stirred. Having rejected Potiphar's wife, she sees that Yosef ends up in the dungeon. While there he interprets the dream of the butler and baker.
The baker later tells pharaoh "there was with us there a young man, a Hebrew, servant to the captain of the guard; and we told him, and he interpreted to us our dreams; to each man according to his dream he did interpret. And it came to pass, as he interpreted to us, so it was: I was restored unto mine office, and he was hanged.": (41:12)
There seems to be no real difference between the 'crimes' of the baker and the butler. We assume that like Yosef they are probably there through no fault of their own but only because of whims of power.
Why then free only the butler? My mind suggested the idea of bread representing the corporal world and the butler (who tastes the cup) of representing the spirit. Perhaps poetically it is the change in the spirit that can free the body. Or maybe even more grandly the idea of the spirit freeing us ultimately from death as Yosef is reborn out of the dungeon. (David talks of being raised from the pit in psalms several times)
I must admit that when I came to this I thought of the story of Christ on the Cross with the two thieves. I don't believe in Jesus but in the story one thief is saved because he accepts Jesus but the other refuses. The one who refuses does so because he wants to be saved in the flesh. This confusing association arouse out of my literary minded brain. At any rate, I again dismissed the idea of writing about it.
It continued to bug me.
I decided to tie it all back to the idea of dreams. Dreams are said to be a "little death." and we rise from them like Yosef rises out to the pit. It is also dreams that lead to his brothers selling him. The butler, the baker, and pharaoh also have dreams.
I wondered what the Torah teaches about dreams. I found that there are said to be only ten dreams in the Torah and all in Bereshit.
Torah Subject
Bereshit 20:3 Avimelech and Sarah.
Bereshit 28:12 Jacob’s ladder.
Bereshit 31:10 Jacob’s speckled sheep.
Bereshit 31:2 Lavan told to leave Jacob alone.
Bereshit 37:5 Yosef and the sheaves.
Bereshit 37:9 Yosef and the sun, moon, and stars.
Bereshit 40:9 Yosef and the cupbearer.
Bereshit 40:16 Yosef and the baker.
Bereshit 41:1 Paro and the cows.
Bereshit 41:5 Paro and the sheaves.
Hum? Then I found a teaching that speculated that Israel's going down into Egypt parallels the decent of the spirit into matter. This of course would mean that G*d's redemption of the people from Egypt parallels the accent of the spirit. As Israel had the dream of the ladder. (And the ladder is gematria to Sinai) Well that about covers it.
So why was it so overwhelming to me? Why did these little ideas refuse to be drowned out?
I realized that since college, since Leibniz, I had rejected a duality of spirit and matter. I was certain that everything is energy, spiritual, and that the entire world was like the Eastern Sages declare and "illusion." Of course at the time, for me that cleared up neatly a lot of problems I had with the cosmos as I had learned it from Church. There is no problem of evil. It is all an illusion.
Yet it was so painful to live in this world considering it but an illusion. For if it is an illusion then we have explain everything in reference only to a greater reality beyond it. How could we ever understand or comprehend that greater reality?
I concluded as a young man that there was a G*d but that 'he' was unreachable.
Then he reached to me through the Torah. His holiness and the wisdom of the Torah is the light. Life can be as hard to interpret as a dream. It can seem to have no meaning. When this is the case we must seek more light. Somethings maybe hidden from our sight as individuals, and as mankind but G*d is always present and therefore nothing is without meaning.
"And Yosef answered Pharaoh, saying: 'It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh an answer of peace." B41:16
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