I was just contemplating why I am so draw to events in the Sedra. It is because I know when I go to Schul or do things with people from Schul that I can freely share my feelings and contemplate G*d without holding back. I don't like when people impose their beliefs on me so I try to hold back to make others comfortable. I can see in someways they are the ones who are at peace with themselves. I am full of fire. The troubled Nevim play on my emotions urging me to search my own flaws. The Psalms turn me to G*d within me and I know that Melek David, Moshe, and other Israelites lived lives like mine. And knowing that there lives mean something, but knowing that their lives were for the Torah which has been passed down in reverence means they lived not just for something but for the Holy One. All G*d's attributes must be understood as eternal.
How can one be close to G*d if they don't turn to him? I trust in him. Fear it is taught is one of man's response to G*d. It becomes awe instead of fear only when we accept that we are the work of 'his hands.' One should make this their shield as did the Avot.
The Torah must be carried with both hands, each step holding it must be for the Yotzer! The sweetness of the melody mixes with the awed expectation of the birkot to follow.. And then filling the sanctuary with kvodo of incomparable holiness.
Yet, I also have visions of war. I see how hard it is for people to form successful supportive relationships. I thank G*d for the community that I am part of and for my family.
Sometimes imagine the worst. I mean today, I kept thinking what would happen if Israel was attacked in mass? G*d forbid! Would it start a new rabbinical period? I think that only Forgiveness for not living the covenant would matter after that. It is so real to me because it actually happened that way with the Temple; and not once but twice. Then I imagine how hard it would be to survive in all those different cultures, only to be oppressed, exploited, and usually driven out. Yet from that emerged another height of history with migration to eastern Europe. That period makes my heart soar and only the tragedies and finally the destruction of those communities in the Shoah so heart breaking and terrifying. Yet, Israel itself was founded again!! It is in the hands of the Children of Israel and the House of Yaakov that remain it Holy and dedicated to "".
It is hard to go through my day when I want to study and pray. So that is my aim. I work so I can study. I plan so in the future I will be able to do good full time.
